Friday, December 16, 2016

Tis the season to Love your mother!.......OR ELSE!

About once a year the Love your mother zombies stalk the land spreading the word far and wide that if you don't just love love love your mother and tell everyone about it on Face book, There must be something wrong with YOU! I am glad the people who wrote these obituaries had the cajones to tell it like it was for them and not be backed down by the flood of comments and opinions that tell us we should love our mother just because she was our mother.  I was born at night but not last night. I say call it like you see it and if you had a fucked up mother it should be on them and not you for being unable to reach their cold cold heart. They could change if they wanted and seeing as they lie about their behavior they know goddamn good and well they are in the wrong.

Dolores Aguilar 1929 - Aug. 7, 2008
Dolores Aguilar, born in 1929 in New Mexico, left us on August 7, 2008. She will be met in the afterlife by her husband, Raymond, her son, Paul Jr., and daughter, Ruby. She is survived by her daughters Marietta, Mitzi, Stella, Beatrice, Virginia and Ramona, and son Billy; grandchildren, Donnelle, Joe, Mitzie, Maria, Mario, Marty, Tynette, Tania, Leta, Alexandria, Tommy, Billy, Mathew, Raymond, Kenny, Javier, Lisa, Ashlie and Michael; great-grandchildren, Brendan, Joseph, Karissa, Jacob, Delaney, Shawn, Cienna, Bailey, Christian, Andre Jr., Andrea, Keith, Saeed, Nujaymah, Salma, Merissa, Emily, Jayci, Isabella, Samantha and Emily. I apologize if I missed anyone.
Dolores had no hobbies, made no contribution to society and rarely shared a kind word or deed in her life. I speak for the majority of her family when I say her presence will not be missed by many, very few tears will be shed and there will be no lamenting over her passing. Her family will remember Dolores and amongst ourselves we will remember her in our own way, which were mostly sad and troubling times throughout the years. We may have some fond memories of her and perhaps we will think of those times too. But I truly believe at the end of the day ALL of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself.
As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again. There will be no service, no prayers and no closure for the family she spent a lifetime tearing apart. We cannot come together in the end to see to it that her grandchildren and great-grandchildren can say their goodbyes. So I say here for all of us, GOOD BYE, MOM.
ORIGIN:Most newspaper obituaries adhere to one of a handful of set formulas that incorporate listing the name of the deceased, date of passing, predeceasing and surviving relatives, and where and when services will be held. Some deviate from this standard by providing additional information about the departed, information that is almost always of a laudatory nature. However, every now and again one encounters a written send-off that is far from the expected loving expression of facts about the person who died.
Such was the case with the obituary of Dolores Aguilar. The obit for this 79-year-old woman ran on16 and 17 August 2008 in the Vallejo [California] Times-Herald. It was placed by one of the deceased's many daughters.
According to John Bogert of the Daily Breeze (a newspaper based in the South Bay area of Los Angeles), Dolores Aguilar's daughter was moved to place the notice after reviewing the obituary of a co-worker's father and noting as she read through it how little any of it fit her mother. "What struck me was how my mother was none of the things I was reading. She was never there for us, she was never good and she left no legacy. So how could I say any of the usual things about her?" said the daughter to Bogert. She and her siblings, she maintained, were kept "unfed, poorly clothed and completely terrorized."
Before agreeing to run the unusual obituary, the Times-Herald took the additional step of requesting a copy of the death certificate, just to ensure that what they were being asked to publish wasn't a hoax. It wasn't: the woman being memorialized had passed away on 7 August 2008.
On 10 September 2013, the Reno Gazette-Journal published a similar obituary (in both its print and online versions) for Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick, who had passed away at the age of 78 and was described in her obit as having "neglected and abused her small children" and lived an "evil and violent life":
Marianne Theresa Johnson-Reddick born Jan 4, 1935 and died alone on Aug. 30, 2013. She is survived by her 6 of 8 children whom she spent her lifetime torturing in every way possible. While she neglected and abused her small children, she refused to allow anyone else to care or show compassion towards them. When they became adults she stalked and tortured anyone they dared to love. Everyone she met, adult or child was tortured by her cruelty and exposure to violence, criminal activity, vulgarity, and hatred of the gentle or kind human spirit.
On behalf of her children whom she so abrasively exposed to her evil and violent life, we celebrate her passing from this earth and hope she lives in the after-life reliving each gesture of violence, cruelty, and shame that she delivered on her children. Her surviving children will now live the rest of their lives with the peace of knowing their nightmare finally has some form of closure.
Most of us have found peace in helping those who have been exposed to child abuse and hope this message of her final passing can revive our message that abusing children is unforgivable, shameless, and should not be tolerated in a "humane society". Our greatest wish now, is to stimulate a national movement that mandates a purposeful and dedicated war against child abuse in the United States of America.
Johnson-Reddick's unusual obituary quickly garnered national attention, and the Gazette-Journal published a follow-up article explaining its origins:
Katherine Reddick, 57, said she wrote the obituary about her mother, 78, who died at a Reno nursing home. Her mother had bladder cancer and had become a ward of the state when she became sick and was hospitalized.
The two were not in contact.
Katherine Reddick, who works in education in Texas, described a horrific childhood that she and her brothers and sisters endured. Moved from California to Las Vegas to eventually live in an orphanage in Carson City, she described being abused for years by her mother and in multiple foster homes. Reddick said she slept on the floors of places where her mother ran escort businesses.
From 1963 to 1964, six of Johnson-Reddick’s [eight] children were admitted to the Nevada Children’s Home in Carson City, the long-standing orphanage that closed in 1992.
The children lived there until they either turned 18, joined the military, got married or were ordered to go back and live with their mother, according to state documents at the Nevada Department of Health and Human Services.
"We were constantly physically, mentally abused even after being taken away and put in the children's home," Patrick Reddick said during testimony in 1987. He said that on weekends, they were sent home to an office in Reno, sometimes lined up and beaten with a steel-tipped belt.
Katherine and her brother Patrick said they talked about writing the obituary after learning about their mother’s death. Both are graduates of Carson High School.
They said they did not expect the obituary to garner national attention.

"People may see this as something we did to shame our mother," Patrick Reddick, the second oldest of eight children, said in a phone interview. "But this is to bring shame to the issue of child abuse. I want every single person to realize this could be your obituary."


Anonymous said...

Bravo for those brave people who dared to tell the truth. I'm sure they got plenty of scorn and abuse for it. I hope it stays the hand of narcissists who treasure their reputation after death.

q1605 said...

Yeah they had a lot of crap to deal with. First the papers didn't want to believe them then the funeral home didn't want to believe them then once it was online people started giving them crank calls. I researched this more than just cutting and pasting. People just don't want to believe bad mothers are out there. They either picture a Betty Crocker or some one putting out cigarette butts on their kids. My mother acted like the Queen of Sheba. We hardly ever saw her go ballistic because she was playing to our father too. But you let him get out of town and she wouldn't cook or clean or do our clothes. I was 18 before I saw a dentist or doctor. She would take us to a new school and set us out on the curb and drive off. Which sucked because we were always starting a new school. The first time I was worried about how she was going to embarrass me because she always started an argument every where we went. So I was fretting about that and she just let me out and drove away. I told my sister and she did the same thing to her, but she did it on the first day of first grade. So they called my mother at home and made her come back and do it right. She must have sat around and stewed all day about it because when she got home she whipped my sister for inconveniencing her. She shouldn't have been allowed to raise cobra's much less children.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I remember reading that obit. Dolores must have been a piss poor narcissist not to groom a few GCs but it may have been a case of she was so sociopathic she just didn't care, or she got her needs met via other ways. It was nice to see someone tell the truth for once. Yeah the world is in disbelief, at even the idea of an evil mother. For some reason they think if someone manages to breed and pops a child out of their womb, that it makes them a life long saint and holy woman who would never hurt a fly. I agree cobras would have fared badly under your mother's hands too.

Joan S said...

Its funny how people do get that there is child abuse out there, and they get it that sometimes a parent is responsible, but at the very same time they are saying that every mother is loving, and kind. And that your mother did her very best. But they don't do their best do they?

My mother was reported to be very kind and loving. And there are times I saw that too. She would also say to others, in front of me, "that fuckin' kid". So it wasn't her fault it was my fault.

Tundra Woman said...

My biological "mother" was much, much closer to Reddicks's. When I came across her obituary I was shocked: Doesn't anyone fact check these things? Even the most readily available information would reveal the horse shit contained in her "Imaginary Bio" as I refer to that obit.

The differences between an affluent family and a less affluent one in the closed world of the perpetration of child abuse and neglect are many, but the Themes remain the same. It is far less likely the children of an middle class or affluent family will come in contact with any Child Protective Services. If you dare tell the truth, chances are nill you'll be removed from the home simply because of institutional bias within the system: Child Abuse/Neglect doesn't happen in *those* homes. If you attend a private school of any kind and confide in any adult, nothing will be done. These people know who is under-writing their pay check. They may tsk tsk but at the end of the day or the Court Hearing, you're going back to your now *really inflamed* parental abuser(s). It's too much of a risk to take after the first time you get up your nerve and talk. The consequences are horrific. Peep has written eloquently to this issue repeatedly.

I can't help but wonder if the Forgiveness Police hunted down the adult offspring of these two POS and lectured them on their moral bankruptcy for their lack of "forgiveness" as "evidenced" in these two obits. "Forgiveness" was never on my radar-imagine that. The pounding I was subject to on-line was so unexpected to me initially I was shocked by the responses. Allegedly, if I didn't "forgive" I was an angry, bitter person, I wasn't emulating Ghandi (yeah-HUH?) and other dire indictments of my present and future wellbeing. It was as if I had inadvertantly thrown a frag grenade and walked away oblivious to the frenzy of pitchforks and torches I had launched.

People want simple answers and canned responses. If we can not tell our Truth and have it respected or even accepted after our abuser's death, I despair we will ever be "allowed" to do so. Facts are facts. People will respond to a picture of a child's body washed up on a far away shore. But we are here. You can see us if you just look and listen with your ears-and an open heart.

"...There are children in the weeds
They are leaning out for love
And they will lean that way forever...."

The late (great) Leonard Cohen, "Suzanne."

mulderfan said...

Here's where I differ and am TRULY fucked up! I never hated my mother, I loved her right to the bitter and nasty end. Yet, even as she lay suffering and dying she attacked me for "upsetting" my father. Still I loved her and wanted to make her passing easier.

I can honestly say, I've never HATED any member of my Nfamily although by word and deed both the NGC and my father made it clear they hated me. My mother, enabled and supported them, so I can only assume she agreed with their assessment of my worth.

While I occasionally waste head space wondering WHY I don't hate, I consider it a blessing. I believe, hate corrodes the vessel that contains it, which explains a lot about the NCG.

q1605 said...

Don't feel lonely Mulderfan. I was down there fixing her fence and trimming her toenails and cutting up her meat until the bitter end. Once I took off she turned every friend I know against me. She went straight to victim mentality and they knew there was money from the farm to be harvested and they just kissed her ass from then on out. I did the right thing and she still hung me out to dry. Her death summed up her life in that no one knew she had died because my ex wife didn't tell anyone. The ex turned her death into another shot to make me and sis look bad. She told people she told us so it looked like we were heartless bastards that didn't give a fuck about her and didn't go to her funeral out of spite, but it was really her telling people she and her lawyer had notified us the day she died. I really don't consider myself a part of that family anymore. Except for sis. After I found out we had to get my ex wives permission to do anything with the unused grave plots I mentally walked away and never looked back. I am sure my ex would sell them back to us because that's just the kind of trashy bitch she is. I honestly believe that some day her and them will all be held accountable "down here or up there makes no difference to me." I don't think you can screw people that bad and not pay somewhere down the line.

q1605 said...

This is good TW and I feel it too.
People want simple answers and canned responses. If we can not tell our Truth and have it respected or even accepted after our abuser's death, I despair we will ever be "allowed" to do so. Facts are facts. People will respond to a picture of a child's body washed up on a far away shore. But we are here. You can see us if you just look and listen with your ears-and an open heart.

q1605 said...

Joan I get the growing sense that unless you extinguish cigarette buts on a child or some other visible atrocity They can't get there minds around it. If you are familiar with Lawrence Phillips the football player....... he was raised in abusive homes and in an attempt to save him they put him in a worse place. The documentary of his life reads "he spent his days running for his life. And in the end his demons caught him. He had really bad anger issues that were never resolved. He eventually ended up in a prison in California and hung himself in his cell.

Running for His Life: The Lawrence Phillips Story, a layered documentary that encompasses themes of child abuse, the inadequacy of state-run foster care, the lionization of star football players, violence against women, alcoholism and the perils of incarceration. It runs on Showtime on December 16th.

“The basic assumption is that here goes another millionaire athlete throwing his life away,” Greenburg says. “I thought it was time to take a deep dive into somebody’s life like Lawrence to determine the reasons why. Upon further research, his life captured the further sociological problems in American life.”

In a year where O.J.: Made in America will drown out any documentary attempting to explore the ties between football fame and domestic violence, Running for His Life treads some of the same territory with the backdrop of childhood abandonment. The opening of the film spans Phillips’ violent upbringing in Los Angeles: He suffers abuse by his mother’s boyfriend, he runs away from home, he relocates to a violent and poorly managed state-run foster home in the suburb of El Monte, and he eventually settles in a nearby West Covina group home run by a benevolent social worker named Barbara Thomas. All of this happens before age 12. The brooding rage from his neglected childhood fueled him as a star football player at Baldwin Park High and Nebraska, but eventually manifested itself in repeated violent episodes throughout the course of his life. Romantic partners—or unwilling ones—were usually his victims.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Oh yeah the mommys of the world are all told they are doing their best no matter what. As I said before some think they are gods for merely dropping some crotch fruit. Sorry if I am crass here, some lingo from the child-free boards I guess.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I got a Reddick's mother too although mine was "nice" enough to SOME for plausable deniablity to kick in, so in some ways there are benefits to having a hell for bear doesn't even try to hide the evil psycho mother, there's more chances of siblings being allies and signing off on a "Our Mother Sucked" obit. TW is right about the class issues here, My family was upper middle class, so even as my father threw rakes on the lawn and had the cops called for the noise and using the F word, his good job and big 6 bedroom house got them to back off. No CPS workers were ever called. Now if my family lived in the projects and there was active smacking of kids out in the yard and noise disturbances, it'd be a whole other story. I know someone who was poor who got the kid taken away just on the class premise, they called her a hoarder and all she had was some neatly stacked boxes in the apartment.

Yeah the nuns knew who were donating to the Catholic school they weren't going to raise havoc about abusive parents or the girl going to hide in the coatroom all the time.

They told me then I was a "bad girl" for not loving my parents and being positive even then just like the jerk trolls today. Seems more things stay the same. Also being poor the Judgment and Forgiveness police are even harsher. Well you're the one in the WRONG, you haven't gotten your life together....Am I the one who told an asshole behind a desk at an ad agency to fire my husband and ruin his career and all our financial prospects?

I bet those adult children got lectured to death. Look what heat some of us get with anonymous blogs, its not like I got Queen Spider's pictures slapped on it. Since they used the monsters actual name and former place of resident, I don't want to know what they faced. I am sure they were told they were unforgiving. I got that from acouple ex-narc friends who are no longer part of my life.

I have a whole blog written against me where the defender of narcs, constantly remarks on what a hater and bitter I am. She's got a second blog now where it's about the "healing of narcs", where they can go play Mea Culpa and get narc supply from one another. Sure maybe an covert with a little conscience left can "try to do better" but we are talking about the outcomes of socipaths and malignants. Instead this world always worships the evil where their victims are always deemed the ones in the wrong.

TW I know talking about these things is HUGE risk. People get pissed. They hate anyone who confronts the MYTHS of society like loving mothers and loving families. I was told even by the video cousin, that my emotions upset people. He told me you put people on edge when you talk about this stuff. No one cared about my feelings so why should I walk on eggshells for theirs?

They want to believe in the forever weight loss dreams and perfect Utopias, they don't want realities. Even the Christians all want healing, faith healing, and miracles on this earth. They don't want to hear about abuse, or scary medical problems. They want you to shut up. As I have opened up online, IRL, I keep my life a secret. I let everyone believe my family is dead its easier. There's less and less people to talk to because I got tired of being judged. I've grown a hell of a lot quieter. There's no one with the same health problems or financial problems around me. Why share them? What purpose does that serve. I go to art classes and smile and try and enjoy what I can but I'm not letting anyone in much anymore.

I guess I speak my truth online, not even caring about the fall-back anymore. There's been plenty of it. My abusers silenced me long enough. They silenced all of us long enough.

Good song Suzanne....I've been listening to a lot of Leonard Cohan lately.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Mulderfan it's probably better you didn't hate them. I tried to love them for many years even very late. As I wrote before, even love itself is wasted on a narcissist they don't care. In 2010, I made my mother a glass painting with flowers on it, during the "forgiveness" phase, I wonder if it's been smashed now. She didn't care about my hate, and any love was a waste of time. Same for my sister and many of the rest of them. The "narc" "friends" I 'loved' at one time while being duped, that was just love to be bounced off a brick wall, it was useless and meant nothing to any of them. Q I think your ex will pay one day

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I don't think people want to know. Its easier to live life not facing these things or even that they exist. Even in the fat world though I put this notion out front and center, no one wants to hear about the people who failed to lose weight or had their bodies bloated and sickened with rare disorders and lymph failures. They want to believe everyone can lose weight and "it never can happen to them". Even that positivity crap shows their FEAR. They want to whistle by the graveyard and think it can never happen to them. They can be absolved too of renouncing responsiblity for the suffering around them which very well could have included abused children like us.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Looks like an interesting story, I would like to see that film. I worked with kids like Lawrence in the group homes. Some were sociopaths, those I have less fond feelings for, but I saw the good ones sliding through the cracks you could see the ones who lacked all love and just had abuse from the first day foreward and then add for many their abusive, violent neighborhoods adding another layer on top.

I saw enough craziness to know the foster care homes weren't that great either. I saw one I had to do a home visit to in Chicago where she had this pretty house upstairs, with fine furniture, real paintings, gold trim, and marble, and then the 6 foster kids were in home made built bunk beds in the basement with thin sheets and no toys, but this was "legal" because she kept them fed and they went to school. I could tell the house rules were they had to stay in the basement. She probably was getting 1,000 per kid per month even back in the 1990s. Sadly many do succumb to violence and rage. I know many kids I worked with ended up in prison.

q1605 said...

To all the people who choose to look the other way. Someone had to tell them Santa Claus didn't exist no one wants to hear it but the longer you believe the longer it takes to lead a normal life.

q1605 said...

Dropping some crotch fruit??? That's a keeper. The people that knew Lawrence from the beginning had a very deep love for him but as he grew older the demons kept knocking around in his head. They speak of wonderment of how many Lawrence's are out there. Kids that replaced the tools good parenting is supposed to install on your hard drive but instead are left with a Hodge podge of maladapted coping skills that gets them to run afoul of the law.

q1605 said...

I know I have had anger issues from way back and substance abuse problems etc etc etc I had nothing normal in my life and when push comes to shove you will see what you get from me when I chose to give it to you. Jail wasn't a deterrent and drugs gave me temporary respite. Temporary respite that eventually manifest in more anger. In younger days it was a self reinforcing loop of self fulfilling prophecy that came very close to killing me and even closer to a life in prison.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Sure there are a lot of Lawrence's out there, tons being made. Some skew outward--crime and violence, some skew inward---life long depression and other problems--broken down bodies and extreme health problems and some a combination--turning to drugs and alcohol etc. Today bad parenting doesn't even have the social connections to help make up for it anymore. I'm not sure even these early hard drive lessons can be made up for. Even looking at myself, the hole of the lack of early love and acceptance and then 40 years of BS, lies and games from the so called "fambily" will be there forever.

I'm glad you escaped drugs, alcohol and jail. I'm sure there's many sitting in jails now who had no love and narcisstic parenting growing up.

I understand the anger, I think it's there for all of us.