Tuesday, January 10, 2017

Anesthesia


The world has become so inhuman.  Everyone's plugged in. Blindly inarticulate. Obsessed with money, their careers, stupidly, arrogantly content. I can't talk to them. I fight them, I want to destroy them even. I crave interaction. But you just can't anymore. They pull their devices out for every little thing To reinforce their petty convenient little notions, to decide where they are going to shop, what they want to eat, what movies they're going to watch, everything they ingest. What is left? ......OK it's like this. It's like this is all a big game And I haven't been told what the rules are. Or even worse. if I had, I am ill equipped to follow them.  All I can do is provoke.  I become spiteful.  I am just as bad as they are. I'm worse. I fucking hate myself for it. Why is the world so base? Why is it so insensitive? Why is it so insensitive? Why am I?
I am not for this world. 


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  If we truly explore to find a common thread? At the outset of a century that would constitute the bloodiest in human history. Along with scientific and technological advancements that would literally make us like Gods. Even as we began to dismantle the very meaning of God. They ask, what is a life? Does to live any longer have a how? Does it any longer have a why? Against a backdrop of industrialization, people will contend with alienation, dislocation, population on a mass scale, and murder on a mass scale. They'll consider the constraints of truth. Whether metaphor or paradigm, with many concluding actual truth has never existed. A nexus in the great human saga, when we dared to trade the organizing bliss, of good and evil, right and wrong, as determined by a creator for other opiates: communism, socialism, capitalism, psychology, technology, any learnable system to replace what had begun to evaporate: the 20th century. My own. But also the one into which each of you was born. For many, an era of hope liberation, possibility. For others of abandonment and despair. A most human century in which we begin really to understand that Nietzsche was right: we are beautifully, finally, achingly, alone. In this void, philosophy at its worst becomes self-reflective, linguistic, semantic, relativism having rendered any discussion of right and wrong, good and evil, to be the quaint concerns of another age. At its most provocative, it asks other questions. Those concerned with locating our stranded selves, when meaning seems to have died, nothing less, in short, then 'why do we live at all?' and 'what makes us who we are?' They ask, 'what now?' And we're still asking it. What will fortify us as another century, your century, commences? Do we abandon finally the search for truths that seem ever more elusive, even silly to some? The ethical? The moral? The good? Principles that by definition can never be proved when so much now can be proved? Or is all this finally and forever pointless? Are we done? We can destroy cities, alter the planet irreversibly, speak instantaneously face-to-face from across the globe, create life where there was to be none, even while intoxicating ourselves with it all. And yet, how do we still seek purpose? And where do we hope to find it if we're so busy convincing ourselves there needn't be any? And so we wander, eyes closed to the dark, while technology, science, medicine and godlessness blaze illusions around us, with less to guide us now than ever, seemingly omnipotent, but more human and just as afraid. The crowd is untruth. In an era darkened by the false shade of imperviousness

24 comments:

Joan S said...

You've taken the red pill. Or is it the blue pill? The pill in "The Matrix" that made the guy see things as they really are. I also struggle to find meaning in life. I go looking for answers, but then I stand behind a bullet proof window watching the world just keep going on.

Joan S said...

I think too, that if we find a mission and just stick with that, and maybe block out everything else, things will go better. But even then, for an ACON, this is friggin hard. Some things may be undoable for us, forever. The first year I learned calculus, I almost failed it, it was so hard. Then the next year the oncoming courses included calculus all the way through, and it was easy. But I couldn't start from scratch, the story had to keep going. The answers would appear to me along the way. I had figured it out.

Now life, that one is beyond calculus. But maybe somethings we can pick up later. Its weird. Its evening, I'm tired, off to work tomorrow, and I'm being a zombie. But I'm hoping I'm making some sense. Make a mission, then do it, and don't expect everything at once, but hopefully it will come.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I find the modern world overwhelming. I always believed I was "born in the wrong time" but then in an era without antibiotics, I wouldn't have made it past age 20. It's strange, even now my mind can't keep up with it all...it's like the dystopian future I read about as a kid is coming true, especially last night when I saw the "bunk-bed kids" video. I lived in a small town wanting an old fashioned life and it was 30 years behind the times but maybe not any more. People get shocked when they find out I never have owned a smart phone, though I have an Obamaphone, there's things I want to stay away from. Yes living life through screens bugs me but then my body put me here. If I had a good body, I would want to leave modern society.I would find a community in a more remote area more in tune with nature, without the constant running around. What gets me is no one seems to ask, "What kind of future should we want?" and almost everyone is blindly running to the total computer control world where everyone will eat Syolent Green and be hooked up to a computer screen on a numbered bunk bed.

q1605 said...

Everybody wants to believe their own solipsism and we don't want to share it with others. Joan I think it's the red pill that opens our eyes to reality.
I don't know what to make of those quotes and let me be quick to point out those are not my words. But words too rich to pass up and not share with someone else. It begins to pull at the fabric of the narcissistically defended. If only they would admit that they were not perfect. By the time I started telling my mother the truth of her life she was so far gone it was easier to label me as an insane liar rather than waste time on introspection. The people that needs to hear these words the most and take them to heart would be the last to sit down and read them.

mulderfan said...

Taking the red pill when it came to my Nfamily nearly finished me off. To find out, the people you had loved your whole life (and still do from a safe distance) were only looking out for #1 and weren't above hurting their own kids to achieve their goal was a hell of a lot worse than being bombarded with today's technological "advancements".
Why? Because computers, laptops, phones and all that other shit have off buttons and I'm not afraid to use them.
Yesterday is gone and tomorrow is out of my control, so just like AA says, I live one day at a time.

q1605 said...

I hear ya M-fan to have to face that you have compromised your whole life and existence to be with people that did not give a fuck about you is humbling. More than not give a fuck. That they think of you as a toy to be trifled with while their life is something they value beyond compare. I think that's the killer dichotomy. My mother's life was of paramount importance to her and needed to be examined and inflated beyond compare but YOU! No one gives a fuck about YOU! Least of all not me. I who have spent my life tearing you down because I was bored and it gave me something better to do.

q1605 said...

Usually it's the things you can't see that sum them up so well. In all our gearing up for my mothers murder trial her and my father commandeered my sisters used car she had worked for months to save up and buy. They said they needed dependable transportation to make it back and forth to court. Which was logic that was hard to argue with. So my mother out whoring around is late coming home one day and to cover her ass she deliberately wrecked it so she could throw the pity card to my father and make him feel shitty if he showed anger. So she took my sisters hard earned asset and wiped her ass with it for the sake of convenience. Later I asked my sister if she thought she had the situation guessed right. And my sister said she seemed awfully pleased with herself. And it made me remember this smug look she would get when she was up to no good and knew you couldn't call her on it. It was the same look my ex would get when she was caught with her pants down and tell you to prove she was doing what you had just caught her doing. This was when I realized our divorce was imminent. When you have to approach a spouse like you are presenting a case in court and trying to prove beyond a reasonable doubt it's time to go.

q1605 said...

Hell is too good for these slap-fucks.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

The narcs are building this future. The dystopian crap is their puppy and that's why more of them are in charge. Ugh with your sister's car.

Mulder it's okay to admit you don't love your family you know. Why should we waste love on people who don't care if we live or die. What was left of any feelings of "love" was gone in 2013, when I got sick and realized I was nothing to those people. Don't waste love on those who don't love. Even the bible allows for the seared.

Judith said...

I think I want the blue pill back. Maybe. Ask me again tomorrow.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

I am curious how did your sister react regarding the car? Was she screaming and crying? Or too scared of your mother to fight at the time? I once tore the house apart when my mother lost my driving license "on purpose", I screamed, ranted and yelled so much that was one day the creeps backed down. I had to go the DMV to get a new one. Even remember screaming, "you liar, you liar!", I guess I considered it attack on one day escaping.

q1605 said...

I don't think she was scared but the phrase "resistance is futile" comes to mind.
My mother after being found not guilty started heaping all the blame on my sister for bringing the guy to our place. Finally my sister stood up for her self and said this is on you. He followed me home and you did the rest. My father had been refurbishing a camper so they loaded their stuff up and drove off and left us at our grandmothers. My father got what he asked for. Meet the new boss same as the old boss.

q1605 said...

Which really illustrates why my mother disinheriting us is so wrong. If not for us she would have spent decades in prison. So to thank us she gave our shit to my slutty ex-wife.

Five Hundred Pound Peep said...

Most people would start punching if someone screwed their car up on purpose, but living with a psycho murderer, she probably didn't want to be smothered in her sleep or end up having the same fate as the boss. It's sick she tried to frame your sister. So glad your sister escaped.

Joan S said...

I even caught my aunt smirking over one of mother's "jokes" on me. I couldn't tell if she was programmed to do so, or if she was taking pleasure in my slow demise. Either way, same result. I think we spend way too much time worrying about them, time to care about our own selves, let those suckers rot.

Tundra Woman said...

She never planned to leave you or T a penny. Wouldn't have mattered who you were, what you did or failed to do. She was determined to sadistically destroy everyone who came into her orbit. No one walked away unscathed. I have no pretentious theories of why and frankly, speculation while it may form some kind of quasi logic to these events and give one the sense that it makes sense may be comforting, but the only label I can find that fits is Evil. No matter how I circle your's, mine, all of our backgrounds I keep coming back to this same exact genesis and conclusion. How very simplistic, huh?
The reality is there are a very few standard ways to fail spectacularly as a parent: Neglect and abuse underlie every one. As loathe as most ACs are to use those words (much like "evil") if the definition fits, that's your Reality. OTOH, it seems apparent to me it's pretty ludicrous to blame your kids because in the end, what can ya say? They "failed" at being a child? Exactly or even sort of, how does THAT work? In much the same way, I've grappled with the accusation of having a "victim mentality." Excuse me? I-and we-ARE VICTIMS! What the hell would you expect?!
That smug statement-that apparently a "Victim Mentality" is some kind of baaadd thing-kept me alive. It was functional. It kept me on my toes when it wasn't driving me to my knees. Why can't I call it a Survivor Mentality? Why can I not openly acknowledge there are events in human lives from which we never "recover?" I know it's ugly. I know it runs counter to all the "closure" and other pop psychology words that promise puppies and kittens snuggling with us on some sun drenched field of wild flowers if we just follow this or that "path" to some kind of "enlightenment." (Just send the guru some money first, OK?) How come it's not OK for me to acknowledge and honor those parts of me that are mangled, badly beaten and which I know I will take to my grave? How come "forgiveness" was never on my menu and saying exactly that results in dire prognostications-and yet more "evidence" of my moral bankruptcy? Maybe it makes someone else uncomfortable-and I suspect it makes a LOT of people uncomfortable-but I can only observe and speak truthfully to my own experience: That human life is short, brutal and over. That's why those in-between moments of fleeting peace, of unexpected awe, of profound wonder, of a momentary transcendence in an otherwise pretty pedestrian life of a survivor are so rich and so deeply felt to me. It is their very existence that has always given me one more breath in a life that realistically should have been over long ago.
Yes, I do have a Victim Mentality because I am a Victim. All of you are too. Evil exists and we are a most unprivileged privileged group of survivors who can bear witness to Evil not on a grand scale, but on a very up close personal, human and disconcerting manner: That Evil not only exists but comes cloaked in the most cunning of disguises. How can we ever hope to meaningfully impact the present or future for ourselves, for other ACs who may just be starting their journey or who find themselves feeling stuck if we can not honestly acknowledge the past and it's current manifestations in our own lives? Why is it somehow "wrong" to say very matter of fairly, "I came from a financially privileged background that was completely impoverished in love, compassion, empathy? That despite the guilded backdrop, the abuse and neglect that deeply impacted my experience resulted in a terrorized and terrified child and continues to manifest in my adult life to this day?" Please tell me, where is the "fairness" in any of this?
There isn't any: Maybe that's the fundamental Lesson of Evil we all grapple with sooner or later. Ouch.
TW

mulderfan said...

Evil up close and personal from the very people who should have instinctively protected their young makes it pretty damn hard not to feel like a victim. When both parents operate as a tag team things are even worse.

A lot of us spend years convinced WE must have been completely unlovable. There's not a lot of solace in realizing we're the offspring of people who were/are incapable of love and only had kids because it was an "accident" or "the right thing to do".

FUCK 'EM!

q1605 said...

I'm just not sure why it surprised me. I have watched her grab other peoples shit and then pick a fight to call someone uppity and to not give them their due. In fact the bigger the injustice she could perpetuate the better she liked it. I still wonder why my ex keeps things that are meaningless to her like pictures of long dead relatives that she doesn't know their names. She and my mother are two sides of the same coin. It's not that they want the stuff it's that they want to play keep away from the rightful owners. That's OK I had a friend that always said that the sun don't shine on the same dogs ass everyday. Meaning what comes around goes around. I wonder if my ex's death will go as unnoticed as my mothers. That fucking makes me chuckle. That the woman who acted like her death would cause a national day of mourning pretty well got rolled into a shallow grave by my ex and no body cared she is gone. It makes me happy. She can't fuck us over ever again.

q1605 said...

I was telling a friend just today that I pretty well was an adult before I realized how abnormal our lives really were. I knew that murder was wrong and suicide is tragic but it took me decades to realize just how wrong and how tragic they really are. If my mother hadn't been so goddamn lazy. She could have become a zillionaire selling ice makers to Eskimos.

mulderfan said...

Saw my 1st counselor about marriage problems at age 39. He discovered the biggest problem was that I put pleasing my parents ahead of damn near everything else in my life. Next the poor guy asked me to role-play my father so I went ballistic and told him six different ways to go fuck himself. Depending on your point of view things pretty well went downhill or uphill from there.
Guy told me I needed to be co-operative. Didn't get that I was being co-operative because I was acting exactly like my father. Poor guy couldn't handle being treated the way I was treated. A month later, I had to find a new therapist...then another, and another, and another...
They all told me the same thing' "Walk away and never look back."
Guess you and I are both a little slow on the uptake!

q1605 said...

Telling an ACON to be cooperative is like telling a toilet to get ready to be shit on. So did he think you were being an ass? When you were really showing him the treatment you received from your father? The problem with my mother is that she could change on a dime. She could blister you until someone came within earshot. And then go into full on Scarlet O'Hara if some one walked up. I really got tired of getting bitch bites up and down my back and then having her friends tell me what an upstanding lady she was. I am certainly glad she shuffled off the mortal coil. I feel stupid for grooming her replacement i.e my ex who is just like her. I was thinking back on the copies of the will my ex had to send to me and my sister by certified mail. She is so passive aggressive instead of paying the postage for the slip you sign she bought like 5 dollars worth of one cent stamps and put them all over the outside of the envelopes. And its me that got saddled with the reputation of being a loony sorry petty mother fucker????

mulderfan said...

My father was(and still is)the same! If you met him, you'd end up hating ME for saying nasty things about such a darling little old man. Hell! You'd be begging him to adopt you!
BTW Don't be like the NGC and fall for the money thing. There isn't any!

q1605 said...

Peep we don't know for sure if my mother wrecked it on purpose. She went straight to that gray area they inhabit to keep the facade of plausible deniability. It was an awfully convenient time for her car to careen into a ditch for no appearant reason. And she certainly had that smug I just pulled the wool over everyone's eyes look that she got when she successfully shit all over us but couldn't really be held accountable at the same time.

q1605 said...

Most of the people she swayed knew better. I guess if you are poor enough you will still give blow jobs for the change between couch cushions and still take a come shot to the face if the price is right.